just a fucking shell left -going through the motions

the first couple of months i didn't feel it. in fact, i did not feel at all. i was completely numb and thought it was going to be like that forever, in everything and for anything. i felt like i could do anything and not care in the slightest bit. not feel a single thing. anymore. i looked at your pictures every day, all the time. not on purpose, i just didn't feel like hanging them down. till my brain told me it was enough and without a single emotion i removed them all, but i could still see them even if they weren't there anymore, i saw them. i still do. i still see you. every day, all the time. there's no closing my eyes. every single thing, every single person, every single song, every single word still makes me think of you. there's still just you. and it all just makes me wonder what the hell happened. but i can't still face it. not completely. i can't fucking face the fact that i'll probably never know. that i won't. what it was, what i was, what you were, what us was... are you still? were you ever? will i ever really be able to give a tiny portion of me to another human being? and really mean to? and really mean it. i don't think so. you blew everything i thought i was. there's nothing left -don't even care how this or anything may sound