Great homosexuality MUST READ quotes (I) - Real People (Straight Quotes)

"Let's get one thing straight. I'm not."
Kate Clinton

"When asked, 'Shall I tell my mother I'm gay?', I reply, 'Never tell your mother anything.'"
Quentin Crisp

"Did you read Holly Near's book? Let me save you the trouble. This is the most exciting sentence in the book: 'I feel like a lesbian when I'm making love to a woman.' Good, Holly! Well, the major difference between me and Holly Near is that I feel like a lesbian when I am BREATHING!"
Lea DeLaria

"He looked me right in the face and said, 'You fucking bulldyke!' And I thought to myself, 'Oooh, what a smart man! Why, I'll bet he took one look at me and knew I was white, too!'"
Lea DeLaria

"I'm at West Virginia University to do a show, right, and they've done all this fucking publicity about it... So when I get to my show, who's waiting for me but five hundred Christian protestors with great big signs. 'Lea DeLaria is going to hell.' Not generic 'gay is not good;' 'Lea DeLaria is going to hell.' Which is what I need five hundred strangers to tell me, like twelve years of Catholic fucking school wasn't enough, right?!"
Lea DeLaria

"My mother said to me, 'Why do you have to call yourself a dyke? Why can't you be a nice lesbian?' 'Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke!'"
Lea DeLaria

"They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!"
Lea DeLaria

"What do you mean, you 'don't believe in homosexuality?' It's not like the Easter Bunny; your belief isn't necessary."
Lea DeLaria

"I read that a big earthen dyke crumbled in Utah. Don't laugh. I knew her."
Karen Ripley

"Gays started with the Renaissance. It was probably two gay guys at a party saying, 'Wouldn't it be fun to make religious paintings of hot naked guys, and sell them to churches? Oh, that would be a hoot!'"
Bob Smith

"I came out to my family on Thanksgiving. I said, mom, please pass the gravy to a homosexual. She passed it to my father. A terrible scene ensued."
Bob Smith

"I came out to my sister, and she said, 'Oh my god, you're gay! Are you seeing a psychologist?' I answered, 'No, I'm seeing a schoolteacher.'"
Bob Smith

"I was raised Roman Catholic, and according to the Catholic Church it's okay to be homosexual, as long as you don't practice homosexuality. Which is interesting, because I think it's okay to be Catholic, so long as you don't practice Catholicism."
Bob Smith

"My mom blames California for me being a lesbian. 'Everything was fine until you moved out there...' That's right, Mom; we have mandatory lesbianism and the Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe..."
Coley Sohn

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work. 'Hello, can't work today. Still queer.'"
Robin Tyler

" 'How did you first know you were gay? What did you feel?' Apparently, another girl."
Suzanne Westenhoefer

"I didn't choose to be gay; I was chosen! Are you serious? I get to be queer? Oh, thank you. I didn't even fill out the application, I am so thrilled. No, I did. I bought the ticket, I scratched it off... Look, I'm a lesbian! I won!"
Suzanne Westenhoefer